4 WAYS TO AVOID CHORE WARS IN AN ADHD RELATIONSHIP   

Are you and your partner stuck in Chore Wars?

Chores are often an unpleasant reality we all have to deal with. Navigating chores in a relationship can be challenging, especially as an ADHD adult. ADHD can disrupt the executive functioning skills needed to complete chores. ADHD can negatively impact your ability to effectively manage your time, and initiate and prioritize your tasks. This can cause inconsistency in managing daily chores- leading to conflict in your relationship. The lack of consistency in managing daily tasks can lead to unhealthy relationship dynamics and threaten your relationship.

Melissa Orlov, a marriage counselor and expert in how ADHD affects relationships, defines this type of dynamic as a parent/child dynamic. The non-ADHD partner often inhabits the role of a parent, taking control of the relationship and daily tasks, while the ADHD partner plays the role of the child, feeling helpless and undervalued. The parent/child dynamic can create feelings of resentment and helplessness for both partners. This can also lead to chore wars in the household: arguments stemming from the lack of equity in household tasks. If this dynamic sounds familiar to you, keep reading to find out four ways to avoid chore wars as an ADHD adult. 

4 WAYS TO AVOID CHORE WARS AS AN ADHD ADULT 

To avoid falling into unhealthy relationship patterns that lead to chore wars, consider these 4 tips to establish a fair chore balance in your relationship. 

1. Practice ‘learning conversations’ with your partner

The first step to avoid chore wars is to have open and honest conversations with your partner about the chore imbalances. Melissa Orlov advocates for the use of learning conversations. Learning conversations will allow you to uncover the emotions underneath any argument or disagreement. These conversations can allow you to fully understand each other’s perspective, and reach a compromise. In these conversations, there will be a speaker and listener. The speaker will begin and lay out what is upsetting them. After they speak, the listener will repeat what they heard. This can go back and forth until the true emotion beneath the upset is uncovered and understood by both partners. Then, the roles can be switched. It is essential to have these conversations when both partners are feeling calm, and not during the heat of an argument. It is also important that in these conversations, you avoid defensiveness and avoid placing all the responsibility on only one partner. You can watch this video to learn more about structuring learning conversations. 

2.  Discuss how to divide chores equitably 

To avoid chore wars, both partners should understand the amount of work that needs to get done around the house. When one partner is over-functioning, and completing all the household chores, the other partner may not even realize the amount of work that needs to happen for the household to run smoothly. Sitting down with your partner and creating a chore chart, where you list every single chore will be helpful to put you both on the same page. Chore charts don’t have to be tedious! Make it a date night and reward yourselves with takeout after you’re done. There are also many chore chart templates available online so you don’t have to start from scratch! Once your chore chart is complete, you can work on diving each chore. The chore division doesn’t need to be exactly equal, but it should be fair. You can try to match chores to each partner’s strengths, interests, and time. 

3.  Create a Chore schedule when tasks will get done

Once you’ve got a chore chart, and the division of chores is established, it is essential to put those chores on autopilot. ADHD adults often struggle with their working memory, making it hard to consistently complete any required daily tasks. To avoid chore wars, you can set automatic reminders on your phone or computer. You can schedule a specific time for a task to be completed: for example, dinner dishes should get done by 9pm. By having specific times, and setting reminders for your assigned tasks, you are more likely to complete them consistently and avoid arguments with your partner. Putting the chores on autopilot is essential to keep your household running smoothly, and to avoid chore wars. 

4. Set loving boundaries with each other

Lastly, it is important to set loving boundaries with your partner to avoid resentment and arguments. If your partner is especially busy at work one week, of course, it is ok to be flexible and complete some of the chores on their list that they don’t have time to complete that week. However, if they are consistently ignoring their assigned chores, it can be important to set a boundary to define what is and isn’t their responsibility. Healthy boundaries can help in changing an overperforming/underperforming dynamic and bring more balance into a relationship. Healthy boundaries are an essential tool in building healthy relationships, but it can be very hard for adults with ADHD. Check out my article on five ways ADHD adults can improve their boundary-setting. 

CONCLUSION 

Disagreements over household chores are a completely normal part of any relationship. However, ADHD adults can often fall into unhealthy relationship dynamics that can lead to normal disagreements becoming chore wars. Avoiding chore wars takes time and patience. Having learning conversations, setting a chore chart and automating reminders, and setting healthy boundaries all can contribute to a fair division of household tasks that create a more harmonious relationship. To learn more about relationship solutions as an ADHD adult, check out my article!