ADHD AND PEOPLE-PLEASING: HOW MEETING YOUR NEEDS CAN HELP YOU STOP

WHAT IS THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ADHD AND PEOPLE-PLEASING? 

Do you constantly feel embarrassed, experience strong emotions, have low self-esteem, and consider yourself a people pleaser? If you answered yes to these, you might have rejection sensitive dysphoria and people-pleasing tendencies associated with ADHD. 

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can affect many different aspects of your life. One important aspect is your ability to emotionally regulate. Due to the interrupted executive functioning skills associated with ADHD, adults with ADHD can struggle with their coping skills when emotions are high.  

How Emotional Dysregulation Impacts People-Pleasing Tendencies

Because of executive challenges with inhibition that characterize ADHDers, adults with ADHD often feel emotions more deeply than their neurotypical peers. This can lead to a lived experience of innate sensitivity to emotional pain. Additionally, ADHDers can struggle with an immobilizing fear of criticism and failure. 

Additionally, many people with ADHD have had trouble throughout their lives fitting into different social situations, often leading to painful feelings of rejection. Because of this, people with ADHD are more likely to have rejection sensitive dysphoria, a condition that makes you acutely sensitive to perceived social rejections.

Adults with ADHD can also fear letting people down. This fear and sensitivity may lead you to people-please, seeking constant validation and approval from friends, family, and co-workers. This need for constant approval creates a constant vigilance, which overrides your ability to understand your own needs. The overcompensation and need to people-please can lead you to ignore your own needs and only focus on the wants and needs of others. It can also hurt your personal and professional relationships, leading you to avoid uncomfortable situations for fear of rejection or disapproval. 

4 WAYS TO MEET YOUR NEEDS AND AVOID PEOPLE-PLEASING TENDENCIES

To help you overcome people-pleasing behaviors, and build resilience around rejection sensitivity, you can try the following:  

Know your needs

To avoid rejection sensitivity and people-pleasing, you need to identify your core needs. While coaching, clients complete a deep dive self-assessment to assess and define their universal needs. This assessment alone is helpful for many people who always put other’s needs before their own. Rejection sensitivity and people-pleasing can obscure your true wants and needs. Understanding your core values and needs can help you avoid people-pleasing in your relationships. Mindfulness has been proven to be a great tool for adults with ADHD. It can help you center yourself in your own body and alleviate anxiety and rejection sensitivity. You can start by trying this simple 2-minute mindfulness exercise. 

Write down your strengths! 

When you are a people pleaser, it is easy to focus on the negative. If you find yourself ruminating too long for comfort, it is important to interrupt the pattern. Force yourself to STOP and PIVOT. Try to think about the good you bring to the world. It is important to focus on your strengths, and consistently remind yourself of them. To externalize your strengths, write them down and review them when you are feeling low. You can also practice positive affirmations to boost your self-esteem.

Check out these 45 affirmations for people-pleasers. Focusing on your strengths and what you can bring to any situation or relationship can help you avoid your people-pleasing tendencies. 

Say no without feeling guilty 

It can be daunting to begin to establish boundaries at first, so start small and keep it simple! Start with personal non-negotiables such as food preferences, or bedtimes. These are simple, low-risk ways to practice setting and communicating about your boundaries without guilt. Remember, practice makes perfect, and practicing establishing low-stakes boundaries can help you establish boundaries in all aspects of your life. To learn more about establishing boundaries with ADHD, click here. 

One of the reasons ADHDers find it hard to say no without guilt is their sensitivity to rejection. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is a real thing. This is another reason that boundaries are important for everyone, but clarity around your own boundaries is crucial if you are a people-pleaser!  Establishing healthy boundaries in your work and personal relationships can help you combat unhealthy people-pleasing patterns. Putting your needs first through healthy boundaries is essential, and it requires you to understand who you are and what you need.

Speak to a doctor

If your rejection sensitivity feels too overwhelming to manage with lifestyle changes, you should consider speaking to your doctor. Your doctor can help you with your ADHD diagnosis, and see if medications can fit your needs. Some medications can help adults with ADHD manage their rejection sensitivity and social anxiety. 

CONCLUSION 

Having rejection sensitivity and people-pleasing tendencies can be debilitating and exhausting, and it can negatively impact your entire life. Meeting your needs, and asking for help can help you overcome these tendencies. For more tips on overcoming people-pleasing behaviors, check out my article on how ADHD drives codependency. Do you find your people-pleasing behaviors negatively affecting your mental health? As a certified ADHD coach, I’d love to talk with you and see if I can help. Book your complimentary Discovery Call with me today.